This coming June will be eight years since I started seeing a therapist. Yep, eight. No plans to stop any time soon either. The ease to which I can talk about this is freeing. Freedom was not always the case, far from it. Light years from it. My most recent session with my counselor was a full circle moment. Oddly, I knew it was coming yet I didn't. Sort of like a long slow epiphany.
What happened you ask?
Expectations - they disappeared.
Seeking Validation - gone.
Constant Shame - silenced.
I can distinctly remember the moment I knew I needed some - help. Yes, help. HELP. Around 2pm while working a job that was not a good fit for me I grumbled. From out of nowhere, I was in the depths of hell from a panic attack. The walls were closing in, tunnel vision (not the good kind) hit, I was seeing stars, I couldn't breathe, everything was swirling, my knees were weak, and I was going down FAST. I was going to fall and fall and fall. I was so scared to fall. And BOOM - I did just that, I fell.
Literally this horrifying, unbearable, endless fall was from my feet to all fours. Luckily, I didn't hit my head. (Whew!) In this moment I was screaming inside for help. Afraid to make my words audible for so long, I had had enough.
It would be a few months before I made the step into talk therapy, however, looking back the bigger step was the moment of clarity to recognize it was NOT a weakness to seek help. I was living in hell. Also known as anxiety.
Little did I know how my life would flip, twist, turn, and unfold over the next eight years. I could write a book about it. Who knows maybe I will.
Fast forward to present day and the version of myself that I see in the mirror.
- Do I want to be in better shape? Absolutely.
- Do I want to be debt free? Of course.
- Do I want to be a better version of myself? I do.
The one difference between how I perceive these thoughts today is simple. Self-love.
I realized the phrase:
If I'm (fill in the blank), then (fill in the blank) will happen.
Think about that for a second. How often do we say that to ourselves? A constant thought that changing ourselves is the only way for something good to happen. Like it is the only way to feel self-worth - if we were different. We may not always have these thoughts, however I am sure at some point in your life you have had these thoughts. I took a long hard look at myself, in hopes of figuring what I was doing with my life that contributed to this negative cloud.
One of the biggest pitfalls – social media.
Here are a few of the many examples:
**Post a selfie.
Thought in my head:
"If I get a bunch of likes that will mean people think I'm pretty."
I started asking myself:
"Why do I care if all my 'friends' think I'm pretty?"
"Does the number of likes equal my self-worth?"
"Do I see myself as pretty?"
**Post or tell a story about helping a homeless person.
Thought in my head:
"If I tell everyone about it they'll see how nice I am."
I started asking myself:
"Why do you think that you aren't viewed as nice?"
"Why do you need to be seen as being nice?"
"Do you think you're nice?"
**My foot, my finger, my ‘whatever’ hurts. I'm upset, hungry, angry, anxious, tired. So let's tell everyone that I napped, ate, worked out, cried, etc.
Thought in my head:
"If I tell of my woes, I'll get sympathy from people."
I started to ask myself:
"Why does misery love company?"
"Why don't you just eat, nap, cry, or scream?"
"Do you really need to tell everyone about this?"
Why, why, why.
Why?
Here’s why: Humans need connection. We want to connect to others. As a society the most popular way of doing that is to declare our innermost thoughts to hundreds or thousands of "friends" through a screen. Friends. Honestly, the idea of having that many friends actually makes me quite uneasy.
Yes, we say we are being inspirational. We are proud of ourselves, so why shouldn't we share the 97th picture of ourselves making a kissy face to the camera? It is all such a fine line. One that I'm still navigating. Figuring out that level: where you're being humble and then quickly dancing over into the world of “stop-enough-already-yes-we-know-you-workout-please-just-STOP.” I'll never be everyone’s cup of tea, shot of whiskey or grande pumpkin spiced latte.
My expectation is - I don't want to be.
I took a step back and asked myself is this the connection I'm looking for? Does this connection add value to my life?
Answer. No.
So I post less, I share way less, I write more, I see more, I observe more, I listen more. I share with intention. Not for an ego boost or attention. I have come to accept myself for exactly who I am right here, right now. The connection I want is for those that truly care about me to pick up the phone and say "Tell me about the best part of your day." Or "Can we meet for a lunch date?" Or "Hey friend, I was thinking about you, and wanted to say hi."
Even if that number of people is less than a handful. I know those are the ones that truly care without judgement or noisiness. The type of connection I'm looking for are the people who can put the phone down for an hour and look me in the face as I have a conversation with them. I’ve become more appreciative when someone thinks of me during their day and reaches out to share their thoughts with me. Saying thank you goes a long way. Something that isn’t said that often anymore.
I am me. No one else can be me. I hope to continuously evolve into a better version of myself every hour of each day.
So, if you want to know about the best part of my day, let's meet for lunch and talk face to face about it. I would love to hear your story.
Namaste “friends” – Happy April!
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